Trading "looking forward to" for "in the moment"

This morning when I was pouring my first cup of coffee, I realized how much I had been looking forward to it. The smell, the warmth as it slides down my throat, the little kick...

Uh-oh.

As an addict I am always looking forward to something, always anticipating the sensation that hits when the [insert drug of choice] first nuzzles our brains. Any addict or alcoholic can describe it for you, in brilliant detail. It's as if the addicted brain releases just a fraction of feel-good chemicals to ensure that we'll keep doing whatever we have to do to get the rest.

Recovery teaches the danger that can hide in this, the danger that we'll find ourselves in a place where we're never in the now, never experiencing a moment as it really is. Anticipation is most useful for the first few notes of the bridal march, the last half mile of the marathon. It's sort of like trading in a roller coaster for a scenic drive: riveting ups and stomach-churning downs for steady and manageable and pleasant.

I never have been good at living in the moment. It's too scary, too raw, too precarious to actually experience life as it comes, however it comes. It's something I work on every day. I'm told that worrying about my morning coffee is overreacting (I am, after all, a founding member of Overreactors Anonymous) but it's okay. Where I come from there's a saying, advice to "arm for bear and hope for bunnies." As with many things Southern it doesn't completely make sense but the gist of it comes through.

So I'm trying. I'm working on it. I'm getting used to the scary, the raw, the precarious; learning to appreciate the quiet and known. The moments. It's always about the moments.