Reader, I took the medicine (Part II)

I had pneumonia last December, and I shared here about my decision to take prescription cough medicine. I'd like to say I took it, it helped, life went on, and it did, but first the addict who lives in my head woke up and started running in the hamster wheel. One day, for no apparent reason, I had an impulse to grab a gulp. I cooked up a whole scheme in which I'd buy some safe cough medicine, pour it out, replace it with the ... OH MY GOD. So I found a meeting, shared these impulses with a roomful of strangers, was comforted by their nods and smiles. Recovery, after all, relies on human connections. There's a saying: to get better we have to change "people, places, and things." A counselor at my treatment center used to say that what "people, places, and things" really came down to was "people, people, and people."

So, people, people, and people, welcome to my accountability circle. I hope I can do the same for you.

This time, it's a narcotic for pain relief. An old shoulder injury that usually annoys intermittently has flared up into real pain. The muscles around my shoulder tightened and have started to regularly spasm, and since it's no fun to spasm alone they've invited my neck and back muscles along. Last weekend found me hunched over to the right, trying not to use any muscles from my waist up, my body shaped like a C. I was going from heat to ice and back, and I could not sleep. I got a massage, which went on for two hours before the therapist gave up trying to loosen the muscles. So we went to the doctor, who looked at my hunchback shape and asked if I had been under any stress. Oh, boy. Where do I start?

She handed me a prescription. I told her I was in recovery and she said it was up to me to take the medicine or not. She wished me luck. Immediately I felt lousy. Just knowing those prescriptions were in my purse threw me back to my bad old days when prescriptions were just the ticket. Plotting, hiding, hoarding, figuring out ways to get more, and counting. The ENDLESS counting. Do I have enough to get through the weekend? It's a long flight, I'd better bring extra. How many here.... okay, put a few in the pillbox... it's been two hours since I took one, hang on for another two...

But pain is a powerful motivator. We got the medicine, and I have taken it. Exactly as prescribed. I don't hurt anymore and I can stand up straight. Jon keeps the medicine in a safe in his closet, which is awkward, he feels like a warden, but we both feel it is important that we do this. I am deeply aware of the dangers, of what I am capable of doing once I get a taste of my drug. I've done it all before, right in front of people -- the special privilege of the pill-popper -- so yes, I know.

I can't claim that the hamsters in my head are quiet, no, not at all. I am glad that they will not let me forget what I am, what I can do to myself. I will see the specialist tomorrow. This is a new doctor and she will take a new history and once again I'll tell my story to a new person. I'll share: with the doctor, with you, in meetings, especially with Jon. We are a team, and together we'll be okay.

Please take a look at this article about women abusing prescription pills. Switch occupations and hair color and this woman could be me. She could be anybody.